I’m apparently carrying him in my womb.

1. Diaper Genies. This needs no explanation. Crap smell = bad. Diaper Genie = no crap smell = heaven.
2. Glow-in-the-dark binkies. You haven’t gone through hell until you’ve commando crawled all over your child’s room in the middle of the night, trying to see in the dark like damn raccoon, all the while feeling around like Helen Keller for a rogue, missing binkie to pop in your kid’s howling mouth. Glow-in-the-dark binkies mean you’re no longer a Helen Keller commando raccoon. This is good. 
3. Medela Tender Care Hydrogel nipple pads. Fucking things are like magic nip repair.
4. Newborn diapers with a wetness indicator. A first-time parent must. Otherwise, you’ll stare at each other, panicked, asking each other every five minutes, “Did the baby pee? Should I change the baby? Is that pee smell? Wait, that’s your cologne? What the fuck cologne are you wearing? That’s disgusting.” Wetness indicators keep your sanity intact, and they also let you know that your husband should get better cologne.
5. Baby-sized sweatpants. Screw fancy baby outfits with tulle and lace. The only people who think those are good for babies are people who don’t have babies, or people who have nannies they can pay to wade through five layers of tulle to get to a soaked diaper. Dumbasses. 

Also, thank you, Baby Jeebus, for my growing ability to forcefully say “NO” whenever the Bean starts doing something dangerous and/or inappropriate. Usually both. She is my child, after all.

It’s like magic.