So, unless you’re living under a rock, you know that the Olympics are coming up. And, because the Olympics are coming up, that means Olympic-type ads are also cropping up everywhere. Now, I love Olympic-type ads. In fact, the VISA “Go World” ads narrated by Morgan Freeman are some of my all-time favorite non-sitcom television times.

The problem arose, however, when Proctor & Gamble decided that they had to get into the Olympics ad mix by putting out a fresh batch of “Thank You, Mom” TV ads.

You guys. I can’t.

My sick, sick relationship with these ads started right around the time the Bean was born last year. Of course, everyone knows what a damn hormonal mess you are in the days and weeks after birth, and this goddamn ad didn’t help matters any (Watch at your own risk. You’ve been warned):

The eyes start to get teary right around the 0:38 mark, when Molly Hinka’s mom goes (damn her), “I never saw the things my child couldn’t do.” And then, a mere ten seconds later, right as the music lullabies you into a false sense of emotional stability, AND WITHOUT ENOUGH TIME TO COMPOSE YOURSELF FROM THE PREVIOUS ONSLAUGHT, she takes your heart and CRUSHES IT with her “…I only saw what she could,” as she lifts up baby Molly.

JESUS CHRIST. I can’t even write about it without crying.

DAMN YOU, MOLLY HINKA’S MOM. DAMN YOU TO HELL.

So, here I was. Like a lamb to the slaughter, unknowing of my fate. I thought I was safe from Thank You, Mom ads. No more unsuspecting tugs of the heartstrings, no more trying to hide my tears from Dada as a P&G ad suddenly blasted on the TV in the middle of a M*A*S*H rerun (“I gotta pee, ‘scuse me,” muttered hastily as I ran to the bathroom to bawl silently for 30 seconds).

And then the Olympics happened.

This is me the first time I watched this:

0:04 – OMG is that a P&G Thank you, Mom ad? OMG. NO.
0:15 – OMG that little girl looks like the Bean, but with blonde hair. OMG. NO.
0:25 – Ew, who eats baked beans on toast for breakfast?
0:35 – Ah, the music is soaring. AAH. AAAH. Eyes start stinging.
0:54 – OMG the little girl that looks like the Bean. OMG. Eyes start tearing up.
1:12 – Oh, they made it to the Olympics! Eyes completely teared up.
1:32 – Little girl that looks like Bean just went up to hug her mother. OMG.
1:33 – At the Olympics. OMG.
1:34 – Bean-wannabe mother can barely keep it together. OMG.
1:35 – Tears falling freely now. Hiding face from Dada.
1:47 – Brazilian mom and volleyball Brazilian kid hold faces. OMG.
1:51 – “The hardest job in the world…
1:52 – “…is the best job in the world.”
1:53 – FUCKING BAWLING NOW.
1:54 – Dada looks at me weird and asks me if I’m okay.
1:55 – Shoot him a dirty look.
1:56 – He would never understand.
1:57 – BAWLING.
1:58 - BAWLING.
1:59 - BAWLING.
2:00 - BAWLING.
2:01 - BAWLING.
2:02 - BAWLING.

Fuck P&G. FUCK THEM.

But at least it’s not the Fancy Feast commercial I cried to like an asshole when I was pregnant.

Yeah, I don’t know why, either.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go turn into a giant gland and weep.